Have you ever lost yourself and then had to find YOU all over again?
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a slump of depression from all of the stress that has been put on you during an emotional battlefield?
Have you ever had to deal with a crazy ex, who will do anything in their power to make your life miserable even if that means withholding your child from you?
If so, then this story is for you.
In this post, im going to share with you a piece of my story and the horrific pain I have felt and overcome in the last year, in hopes that it will inspire you to take charge of your own peace and happiness.
You know how they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"
I never really fully understood the phrase, until I had to embrace the soul sucking reality of fighting for my child inside and outside of the courtroom.
Around a year ago, November 14th, 2018, to be exact, I was served paperwork stating that I was only allowed to see my son 2 days a week, for 4 hours a day under supervised visitation.
Yes, you read that right.
Supervised visitation.
Now, lets rewind a little bit to before the papers were served and im going to let you in on some real, raw facts about how this lead up to such a devastating experience.
When I was 18 years old, fresh out of highschool I went to Panama City Florida for my "senior week" trip.
While I was on this trip, I ended up meeting the man who is now my ex husband and the father of my son.
It was pure bliss.
He was an up and coming music artist at the time and he was, I guess you could say , the man I could see myself being with.
He had ambition.
He had goals.
He was one of those types of people that just made you fall for them, even though you know the ending isn't going to result in anything positive , rather it will end with an enormous explosion.
Dont take the word explosion lightly here either.
A month after meeting this man, I found out from the news and other social media platforms, that he was arrested for building an explosive device and attempting to blow up his ex girlfriends house.
Im sure you're already thinking "really lady? You didn't run right then?"
I should have , I totally should have, but I didn't.
Instead, I stayed through it all.
I even (gasp) wrote letters to him in the county jail.
What is really wrong with me?
On to the next chapter, I ended up becoming pregnant with his child after seeing each other consistently for a year.
Unfortunately that pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.
My heart was broken.
3 whole months later, we moved in together and I became pregnant again, with our son, who is 5 years old now.
Everything was smooth sailing at the time, or so i thought.
He was working on his music career day in and day out while i was working on growing a human being and hurling my guts up on those days in and days out.
In the midst of all of that, he cheated on me a couple of times, but i believe at that time i was too sick to care and I thought i loved him, so once again, I stayed.
Moving forward to when i was 6 months pregnant with our son, he got papers in the mail stating that his ”manufacturing explosives” charge had went federal and he could face a minimun of 10 years in prison.
So that meant we had to hire a federal attorney and go to federal court.
Scary , huh?
Scary to think that your precious baby could grow up without a father for the first 10 years of his life.
So , my ex husband's parents put up their house and vehicles in order to afford a $15,000 lawyer who we hired immediately.
This lawyer goes on to tell us that it would look so much better on him in front of a judge if we were married with a baby on the way, considering that would show that he had really turned his life around.
This story keeps getting crazier doesn't it?
But what kind of person would I have been if I hadn't of married him and allowed my son to miss out on a dad who could potentially love him genuinely?
With that being said, he proposed on Christmas that year.
We had a ceremony, my last name was changed , and I was officially married, all within 2 weeks of the proposal.
Our marriage lasted for a year.
Not to mention, we spent our "honeymoon" on a business trip in California, in order for him to meet his manager and maybe kick off his career.
Things got real rocky after that when he was back and forth to Los Angeles while I was in our hometown raising our son and working a part time job.
I cheated on him.
I know its an awful thing to admit publicly, but it happened and its life.
Im not going to bore you with our relationship details, so moving on.
We agreed to get divorced.
It was casually civil if you ask me.
We went up to the court house , agreed on joint custody, signed some papers and we went on with our lives.
Co parenting went well for a short period of time.
Shortly after our divorce was final, I conceived my second child.
That story is one for another day.
I went on to get in a relationship with a guy who later became addicted to drugs.
I broke that off, yet it was still used against me in the courtroom.
Our co parenting relationship continued to go completely downhill.
I was still getting my son regurarly even though I was working a lot back then in a position for a company i had been with for 5 years.
The job was very stressful and kept me away from my kids too much.
I was miserable with my life at that point.I was only able to get my son on my 2 off days a week.
My ex kept ragging me about how he never got any weekends to himself because he always had our son while I was working.
Mind you, that was by HIS CHOICE ONLY.
My family could have very well helped with caring for our child, but my ex wouldn't allow that.
We continued to argue about my job until I got to a point where i was so emotionally overwhelmed I decided to step down from that position and be with my kids more.
During this change in my life, I met my husband that I am married to now.
Before I even got a chance to introduce him to my ex, as soon as i mentioned him, he completley flipped a switch.
He did all of the research he could about my new found love.
Since my husband now had some prior drug charges , it was a no go for my ex husband allowing him around our son.
I totally understand that part though.
He just completley went the wrong way about things.
He went on to lay down some "rules" for my husband , and proceeded to tell him that he wasn't coming around our son until he said he could come around our son.
I was on my way back from visiting with my husband , to go get my son, and when I got there, he wasn't there.
I panicked and headed straight for a lawyers office.
I hired an attorney that day only for her to tell me that my ex had filed for emergency full custody only 15 minutes before I was going to file.
Bummer.
I couldn't feel anything.I couldn't breathe.I couldn't control the tears from rolling down my face.
I had literally felt like i just lost the most important thing in my life.But I did.
Just like that, my son was taken from me.
My son.
My son that i have raised from the time of birth.
My son who i worked so hard for to make sure he had everything he needed, while his dad worked on his music career that wasn't bringing in any income.
My son whom I have never went more than 3 days without seeing.
It was devastating, to say the least.
I was so lost at that point.
I was in a dark, dark place.
I had just met the man who was perfect for me in every way and who would love me and my children unconditionally with no questions asked and I had my child taken from me the same month.
Can you imagine the pain I felt?
I abided by my court orders.
I saw my son 2 days a week for 4 hours a day under supervised visitation by either my ex husband or his parents.
Sometimes though, I would go more than 2 days a week.
Sometimes though, I couldn’t go at all because I didn’t want to be bullied by him or his parents.
I didn’t want to be called bad names.
I didn’t want to feel even more worthless than I already felt.
I didn’t want to face my son for him to only ask why he can’t stay with me anymore.
I have always dealt with depression, but this was beyond that.
This was humiliating.
This was embarrassing.
This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my life.
I was on the brink of suicide.
This emergency custody order lasted for 2 months.
It was the holiday season, so we couldn’t get in front of the judge to change the order until January.
I had to miss waking up on Christmas morning with my son, but yet I still had to pull it together on Christmas morning for my daughter to enjoy that day.
My heart was aching.
Instead of being able to enjoy my daughter opening her gifts from Santa, all I could think about was how it just wasn’t the same without her brother there with us too.
Those 2 months leading up to our court date is a blur.
I spent most of my time crying.
I couldn’t even be the mother that my daughter needed me to be.
The days went by so slow up until January.
On January 22, 2019, we headed to court.
I could not contain my nerves.
My lawyer was never very promising during the whole case, so I just prepared for the worst but still I hoped for the best.
The hearing did not go in my favor, although we did get the supervised visitation lifted and I then moved my visitation schedule to 3 days a week , for 10 hours a day, unsupervised.
I will admit, it was better than the court order I had been following,but it still wasn’t enough for me.
I still felt like I had lost.
The order also stated that my son was not allowed to be around any convicted felons, which made him unable to be around my husband.
Although, my ex husband was also a convicted felon.
I’m not really sure how the judge went with that, but we made it work.
My husband worked during the day, so he would go to work at 7am, I’d go pick my son up at 8am, then I’d take my son back at 6pm, and my husband would get off of work at 7pm.
That worked for us for awhile.
Then some things happened that I will have to make a whole other post about, but needless to say I went and hired a different lawyer because I just felt like I didn’t get in a good enough fight.
The guardian ad litem was pretty much on my ex’s side from the jump.
He never even came out to check my house.
He didn’t drug test my husband or myself.
He didn’t do any of the requirements he was suppose to do by law.
With that being said, I hired a new attorney and had my ex papers served again.
We went back to court the very next week.
I lost even more than I had already.
Now my schedule changed and I got only 8 hours a day with my son.
My ex claimed that picking my son up at 8am was just too early for him.
I lost myself all over again.
I kept trying and trying to fight a losing battle I felt like.
His family is in really good with the family court system in our hometown, so you know as well as I do how that whole thing went down.
I tried everything in my power to communicate with my ex and his parents to try and come to a better agreement.
It never worked.
It still doesn’t work.
They don’t talk.
They try to pretend as if I don’t exist.
I had spent a lot of money on 2 lawyers during those 6 months.
My husband ended up getting arrested and having to go on probation for his old charges and I conceived my third child.
I was happy about this pregnancy, but something in my heart was still missing.
I got my son on the days I was ordered too and I never go a day without talking with him on the phone or over FaceTime.
My pregnancy with my third child took a toll on me, mentally and physically.
My husband spent 3 months of my pregnancy in jail.
I realize this wasn’t going to help my court case at all, but I was so drained due to my pregnancy and so broke due to spending all of my money on attorney fees.
During this time, I humbled myself.
Instead of drifting off into a deeper state of depression than I was already in, I had no choice but to humble myself.
My son needed me, my daughter needed me, my husband needed me, my new baby needed me.
My husbands mistakes do not define who he is as a person.
He has stood by my side through this whole battle.
He has endured just as much pain and heartbreak as I have, considering I haven’t been able to even give him all of me because a piece of my heart was still missing.
He loved me for exactly who I was though, and made a commitment to hold my hand through it all until death do us part.
He also adopted my first daughter.
After my husband got out of jail, I was 4 weeks away from giving birth to our little girl.
He got put on probation due to his arrest.
The only problem with this was that his requirements were to be on probation in his hometown which was a 45 minute commute from my hometown.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point.
What was I suppose to do?
Abandon my son to move with my husband and our 2 girls?
Abandon my husband and deprive my girls of a dad in order to stay with my son?
How was I even alive at this point?
I felt like all of my kids and my husband would have been better off without me.
The thoughts inside of my brain were far more than I could fathom.
I had no more money for any kind of lawyer to help me through this either.
I finally told my ex about the entire situation and how my husband would have to be in his hometown for his probation orders and my ex was somewhat cool about it, which was surprising to me.
It didn’t last long though, a few weeks after I informed him of this, a lady showed up on my front porch to serve me papers stating that my ex wanted full custody and I was back to 2 days a week visitation.
What? I’m not even kidding.
I’ve never been convicted of any felonies.
I’ve never even been in trouble.
I’ve never done drugs.
I’ve never been an unfit mother to any of my children.
I raised my daughter ALONE for the first year of her life.
I’ve never had child protective services involved with me or my children.
I’ve never given anyone a reason for that to even be an issue.
My mind was blown.
How could the judge even do this to me?
How could my ex even do this to me knowing what kind of mother I really am?
My ex wanted to be able to take my son out of state with him in order to continue pursuing his music career.
I finally persuaded him to allow me to keep joint custody and I would lift the restriction of our son being allowed to go with him out of state.
We met up at his lawyers office and signed a different court order that met both of our needs at that time because I couldn’t afford another lawyer right then.
Something still just wasn’t sitting right with me.
But, my husband, our toddler, and our newborn found a place in my husbands hometown and we got settled there.
I was able to also keep my place in my hometown in order to still keep my joint custody of my son and commute back and forth for my visitation days.
I was relieved of this.
I still had guilt.
I felt like I hadn’t done enough.
Then, my sons father found a girlfriend.
He promised me I would get to meet her before she met our son.
He lied.
I had to hear about their meeting from our son.
I was furious.
I wanted to go right back to court.
I didn’t have the money, but I wanted to do whatever I had to do to make it happen.
Only, it was impossible.
I was an emotional disaster.
My own anxiety and depression was even having an effect on my toddler’s behavior.
I wasn’t able to once again be the mother I needed to be for my other 2 babies.
Until one day, my son asked me if I wanted to meet his dad’s new girlfriend.
Inside, I was full of rage and hate.
This was totally unfair.
I had to be strong. I had to hold it together, so I politely said to my son “yes I would love to.”
I then humbled myself again and I sat down and prayed.
I prayed for courage.
I prayed for patience.
I prayed for strength.
I prayed for the emotional well being of all of my children and myself.
I prayed for peace of mind.
My son wanted a reaction out of me.
He wanted to know if I would give the same reaction about his dads girlfriend that his dad had given about my husband, that my son has STILL yet to meet.
I didn’t. I swallowed my pride just to see a smile on my child’s face.
Does that sound like an unfit mother to you?
That is when I realized that I have got to stop stressing myself out about things that are out of my control.
I can’t control the hateful things that are said about me in front of my son over at his dad’s house.
I can only control what is said in front of him when he is with me.
I can not control the way the court system works.
I can only control how I react to it.
I can only change my strategies and continue to be strong for my children.
So that’s what I have done since that day going forward.
I worry about the things I can control, then I control them in the best possible way that I know how.
My son is happy right now.
My son is safe.
My son is in a good state of mind.
He still gets confused sometimes.
Here recently, he expressed to me how he would love for us ALL to live in the same house.
Even my husband and his dads girlfriend.
As weird as that would be, is it awful that a tiny piece of me wishes that same thing, just so I can be with all of my kids at the same time, all the time?
Impossible.
It’s cool to have secret wishes though right?
I had to explain to him how that was impossible, and I apologized for that.
I reassured him that no matter where any of us live , we all love him genuinely just the same.
My husband loves him too, even though they still haven’t met yet.
I still believe it’s totally unfair for my son to get to experience certain things with my ex and his new found girlfriend.
i have to continue to swallow my pride and control only the things that I can.
Although I am super happy and very relieved that my son has taken a liking to his dads girlfriend and he enjoys spending time with her, I still try to think of ways in my head of how I can persuade his dad into finally allowing my son to meet my husband and the father of my 2 girls.
I literally don’t go one single day without thinking of at least one scenario of how the whole thing would go if it were possible.
I have to stop myself throughout the day to remind myself that this is where I’m at right now in my life, and this is where my son is at in his life, and this is where we are supposed to be at this moment in time.
My husband has recently got a brand new job that is able to provide for our family while I stay at home with our two girls.
I am very blessed and thankful to be able to do this.
I still get my visitation days with my son as the court order allows me to.
I will get to spend Christmas with my son this year without being supervised and we will get to make cookies for Santa and open gifts and be merry together.
I will also get to spend Christmas with my husband and my girls , it will just not all be on the same day or in the same place.
I’m humble.
I’m okay.
I’m going to embrace my chaotic life.
I’m going to embrace the life I have,the life that was gifted to me, and the children that were gifted to me.
I’m going to enjoy each and every moment I do get with my son.
I’m going to take advantage of the time we get to spend together, in hopes that one day soon it will be more than 24 hours a week.
I am going to continue working on myself and being the mother that I am destined to be.
I am going to continue to strive for peace in my life.
It took me a long time to get to the state of mind I’m in right now.
I’m going to hold on to myself.
This is a beautiful life no matter the cards I have been dealt.I will play my cards the best way that I know how.
With the support of my husband and the hand of my God on my shoulder, I will stand tall because David did not back down from any giant.
I’m going to be like David.
I am going to continue to strive for peace and love like Jesus did.
So even though my mind wants to rage when my son tells me how his dads girlfriend bought him new things or went with him to see the Christmas lights, instead of having hatred towards her , I am going to love.
I am going to rejoice in the fact that my son is loved by not only his father and I but by her too.
I am going to rejoice in the fact that this girl who is not obligated to be a role model to my son has opened her loving arms and chose to love him as if he were her own.
I am going to strive to be able to have a co parenting relationship with my ex and his girlfriend along with my husband being involved as well.
It may very well take more time than I am hoping for, but I am humble.I am humble.I am at peace.
I want each and everyone to know that if this is something you are dealing with, or have dealt with that you can come out of it.
You can rise above.
That deep dark hole that you are in DOES have a light at the end of the tunnel.
You just have to keep digging.
Keep fighting.
Whatever chaotic battle you are dealing with in your life, embrace it.
Your life is YOURS.
It’s no one else’s to live.
You can only control your own thought process.
You can not control how others think, speak, or react to a situation.
You can , however, stand up for yourself.
You can fight for what you believe in and for what you think is right.
You can talk about your problems with your family, peers, or publicly.
You do not have to hide what you are dealing with from the world.
You have the right to feel every feeling that you feel.
You are not worthless.
You are always worth it.
You CAN be an inspiration to others.
Just breathe, say a prayer, and do what has gotten me through all of this...